You’re by nature a sociable person. You enjoy meeting new clients/colleagues and look
forward to the social interaction between your business meetings.
You’re curious to find out about them, their interests, and their culture and so on. You
love sharing your passions and your culture with them. To give them a ‘sneak peek’ of
your world.
The conversation is often easy and relaxed. It makes work so much more pleasurable.
However, in English, your brain freezes. Your ‘English’ brain tells you that you can’t do
this. You don’t have the words. Your grammar is full of mistakes. They won’t understand
your accent or pronunciation.
Therefore, you stay silent.
However, all the time you stay silent, you fear that your colleagues won’t see the ‘real’
you. The person beyond your professional image. The person bursting to share who
they are. The person who sparkles in the company of colleagues.
You decide to fix this problem.
○ You enroll in English conversation classes or online fluency programmers.
○ You watch YouTube videos showing you how to talk about food, sport, travel and so
on.
○ You complete vocabulary sheets on small talk.
○ You search for blogs on how to engage in business small talk in English.
You do all this in the hope that somehow all this new vocabulary will give you the
confidence to approach your colleagues/clients during that coffee break, over lunch or
after-work drinks and ignite a conversation.
Nevertheless, it doesn’t seem to work. You still stumble over your words. You still wrack
your brains trying to think of something ‘clever’ to say.
What’s going on?
Here’s what’s going on.
You mistakenly believe that your words are the only thing that creates human
connections. That your words are the only thing that unlocks your radiant personality.
You forget you are much more than your words.
You are your curiosity, your enthusiasm, your smile, your open body language, your life
experiences, your passions. All these ingredients make up whom you are. All these
ingredients are what connect us to others.
In your first language, you naturally use all these ingredients to forge valuable
connections and reveal your warm personality.
Don’t believe me?
Take a step back and reflect on these 3 things.
○ What motivates you to approach your visiting colleague after a meeting? Your
friendliness? Your natural curiosity? Your welcoming nature?
○ What do you bring to the conversation first? Your smile? Your open body language?
Your laughter?
○ How much of the interaction hinges on your words?
If you examine closely, you’ll find that your non-verbal language dominates. That warm
handshake, that winning smile that rises to your eyes, that welcoming look, that listening
ear.
Nevertheless, in English, you forget all that. In English, you rely on one ingredient
– your words. You lead with your words. You rely only on your words to communicate.
If your words fail you, you become a paralyzed robot. Your personality retreats never to
be seen again.
You feel disconnected.
Not all is lost. There is a reboot button. Two, actually.
2 effective reboot buttons that will reconnect you and bring back
your sparkling personality.
Reboot Button 1: Switch off your English brain and re-activate your first language
brain.
Now reflect on what you normally do when you engage in small talk in your first
language.
Follow these 7 reflection prompts.
1: What’s the first thing you like to know about a person? Why?
2: How do you encourage them to interact with you? What do you do?
3: How do you show your personality? What’s your body language? What’s your facial
expression? If you’re not sure, ask your family or friends.
4: How do you invite them to share something about themselves? Do you share
something about yourself first? Alternatively, do you ask them and listen first?
5: How do you show you’re interested in them? Ask questions, share a similar story?
6: How much do you let them speak? How well do you listen?
7: How do you make the person feel? If you’re not sure, ask your friends how you
made them feel when they first met you. That will give you an insight into how others
see you.
Now think about the language you use.
○ How much of your interaction relies on your words? 80%? 20%?
○ How much of the language you use is complex?
○ How much of it is culture-specific?
○ How do you adapt your language to the person? For example, if you’re asking about
something unfamiliar to them, how do you rephrase?
○ How many words do you use to show that you care about the other person? That you
care enough to learn from them. To listen to them? (Clue: Not many)
Reboot Button 2: Apply and Observe
Switch your English brain back on.
Putting aside the jokes and culture-specific references, think about how you could use
your English brain to apply your answers to the 7 prompts above with the English you
already have.
Most importantly, ask yourself this question again:
“How many English words do I need to show that I care about the other person? That I
care enough to learn from them. To listen to them?
Then ask yourself: ‘Do I already have all the words I need?”
I bet the answer is yes.
Go out there, test your findings and observe what happens.
Conclusion
The wonderful thing about human connections is that they need less speaking (fewer
words) and more listening.
Trust your curiosity, your passion, your zest for life, your warmth and your thirst for
learning to guide you. To listen.
The words will follow.